Out All Night Drinking

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Sometimes face lift is not enough...

A woman decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."

"Nope, I'm 47." Now, she's feeling really good about herself.

She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk the same burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."
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Blood test...

Boy goes for blood test. Nurse takes the sample but can't find cotton so she sucks his finger!!

Boy is so happy, he asks: Can I get a urine test also?

the funniest blonde joke

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tri  read more »

Truck driver...

A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.  read more »

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